Monday, October 27, 2008

One last day to wonder

So I apologize for slacking on the posts. So much to tend to these days! This is Carl's last day home before he leaves for TX til NEXT SEPT!!! I am fairly certain at this point, he decided FOR me that we couldnt maintain a relationship so long and so far apart. Kinda like I decided for him when the cat's tail got hurt, he couldnt forgive me, so I better move out now! ha I am, in fact, still here at the house tho. With him being gone, hey, he told me to stay, who else is gonna take care of the kitties?? SO I just wonder how long he can keep himself shut off. Heck yeah it's easier turning off your feelings, rather then love someone so deeply and completely then have to be gone and it hurt missing them and needing them, and being stuck 1000 miles away. At least this time he's in the states, so should he wake up and go GEEZ! What am I doing throwing this away! he can fly home and we can declare our undying love once more lol. I dunno if he'll get to that point before Afghanistan next year tho. Hell, by the time he goes thru another deployment, will he EVER be able to get out of "soldier mode"? Is that actually the reason he "cant" cate anyone? I find it hard to believe a love such as ours can just poof away like that. You dont have a fairy tale like we did, and go thru what we went thru, just to throw it away like that. I have a big mouth, I hurt him, I spoke rashly, and he in turn did the same to me (tho NOT near the extent I did to him!! Repeatedly! And I'm sure he thinks I cant handle the day to day functions of the house right now too after my numerous meltdowns during his 1st trip away. He'll see, I dont make the same mistakes twice like that. I grow and become stronger. There's no way to talk my way back into his heart, I just have to show him with actions. perhaps someday he'll open up again and realize I gave him my life and my heart, and no time or distance apart will change that. If he never sees and prefers life alone and lonely, then I will move on, no tears no questions, no begging or anger, bc I have learned God always takes care of me, and removes the old to pour newer, bigger, more glorious blessings in. And after a love such as Carl's, what beauty shall I have to look forward to! I never dreamed someone as perfect as him existed and such happiness could be found on this earth, what more can God give me or do for me that can top THAT!?!?

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