Ah life and dreams, dashed again

SO this I blame all on myself. I always jump the gun and dive headfirst in everything, and usually it ends up falling apart. ESP when I thumb my nose at God and do something I'm not supposed to!!

Anyway, let me back up a few days. Ok, I stopped taking my Wellbutrin like, almost the same time Carl left. I *thought* I was "normal" again - HA!! WELL, me n my big head hit PMS this week, and TADA!! My old case of crazies popped up again, and I got all sorts of mouthy with Carl for stupid chit (like him not caring about my piercing infections but as soon as the cats ran out of food he was ON it...) and then we bickered about me letting the cats out, and I basically told him how stupid it was keeping them in, and never in 33 yrs did I have any issues with MY cats being out, yada yada... NEVER FAILS, this first daughter of Murphy, opens mouth inserts foot, hell BOTH feet up to the knee, and the next night the cat comes in WITH HIS TAIL GASHED OPEN!!!! So I freak, the emergency vet says the tail's gotta get amputated, and I COMPLETELY fall apart!!! Super hormone PMS chemically imbalanced girl send massive rambling emails saying so much gibberish and mean things, then dumping him bc I was CONVINCED he was gonna break up with ME for it.... Sigh, ever send an email in a moment of psychosis (or maybe drunk emailed/texted/called??) Yeah well I had like a DOZEN of them over the 2 days, lol.

Anyway, Carl finally emails me today, and says I was right. We moved in together too soon, moved too fast, and now he feels "trapped and resentful" and I need to move out and we gotta start all over at the beginning, dating, developing a friendship, and getting to know "everything" about each other before living together again. Sigh. So many sweet nothings, declarations of forever and growing old together, indescribable love, and so on and so forth.... WRECKED by me and my old issues & baggage I cant seem to unpack, being selfish & childish and plain ol downright mean sometimes. Yeah, can someone A. PLEASE kick me in my head when I do that and B. MAKE me keep taking my antidepressants?!?! ha

So who knows what the future holds. It's hard enough to start over having him in town full time, but the next 2 years he's gonna be traveling for work, then end of 09 heading to the middle east again with the military for a year. He said himself he doesnt have a lot of time to devote to "us". So, yeah. I'm not optimistic but eternally hopeful. I luckily saved all the texts, emails, and voicemails he's ever left me, lol. I cant believe someone could say such beautiful loving eternal sweet nothings, then change his mind, but hey, it happens every day in America and around the world, right? And it has happened to me MOOOOOORE times then I can count, but Carl, was different, was perfect for me, was a dream come true and better then my wildest dreams, and I treated him like crap BECAUSE I WAS SCARED!!!!!!!! Scared of being dumped I guess because he was too good to be true. I sabotaged it, like I do everything good in my life. I have so many underlying issues I cant begin to start here in this post.

Well, I just had to update my blog since I've been slacking. I post like crazy in my Turbulence Training forums, WOO i got some good ones in there. I just need to start turning them over to here too, heh heh. Ok, well I need to get motivated to do something, it's hard, I'm numb, I'm overemotional, and just bitterly overwhelmingly sad. Back to post more joy later!!