Thursday, October 30, 2008

Good News!!!!

SO I think Carl & I are back together, I THINK... I dont want to assume anything until I prove to him I can handle taking care of the house and whatnot, but we had a beautiful night the day before he left. He's in TX now, and I probably wont hear from him for a while since he's always uber busy. I feel peaceful and content! AND I have my application/resume in EVERYWHERE, trying to find a job (since I know that weighed heavily on Carl's mind, having to handle everything that popped up..) AND until I find something stable and secure, as I was getting my hair cut today my stylist (owner of the salon) offered me an on-call position, since the lady they have isn't very good and only works on fridays. YAY! I'm gonna order massage cards again and start passing them out, and trust God will bring me clients to get me thru. Luckily with the holiday season looming, that's usually a busy time of year! Off to order my biz cards now! Yiippeee

Monday, October 27, 2008

One last day to wonder

So I apologize for slacking on the posts. So much to tend to these days! This is Carl's last day home before he leaves for TX til NEXT SEPT!!! I am fairly certain at this point, he decided FOR me that we couldnt maintain a relationship so long and so far apart. Kinda like I decided for him when the cat's tail got hurt, he couldnt forgive me, so I better move out now! ha I am, in fact, still here at the house tho. With him being gone, hey, he told me to stay, who else is gonna take care of the kitties?? SO I just wonder how long he can keep himself shut off. Heck yeah it's easier turning off your feelings, rather then love someone so deeply and completely then have to be gone and it hurt missing them and needing them, and being stuck 1000 miles away. At least this time he's in the states, so should he wake up and go GEEZ! What am I doing throwing this away! he can fly home and we can declare our undying love once more lol. I dunno if he'll get to that point before Afghanistan next year tho. Hell, by the time he goes thru another deployment, will he EVER be able to get out of "soldier mode"? Is that actually the reason he "cant" cate anyone? I find it hard to believe a love such as ours can just poof away like that. You dont have a fairy tale like we did, and go thru what we went thru, just to throw it away like that. I have a big mouth, I hurt him, I spoke rashly, and he in turn did the same to me (tho NOT near the extent I did to him!! Repeatedly! And I'm sure he thinks I cant handle the day to day functions of the house right now too after my numerous meltdowns during his 1st trip away. He'll see, I dont make the same mistakes twice like that. I grow and become stronger. There's no way to talk my way back into his heart, I just have to show him with actions. perhaps someday he'll open up again and realize I gave him my life and my heart, and no time or distance apart will change that. If he never sees and prefers life alone and lonely, then I will move on, no tears no questions, no begging or anger, bc I have learned God always takes care of me, and removes the old to pour newer, bigger, more glorious blessings in. And after a love such as Carl's, what beauty shall I have to look forward to! I never dreamed someone as perfect as him existed and such happiness could be found on this earth, what more can God give me or do for me that can top THAT!?!?

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Ah life and dreams, dashed again

SO this I blame all on myself. I always jump the gun and dive headfirst in everything, and usually it ends up falling apart. ESP when I thumb my nose at God and do something I'm not supposed to!!

Anyway, let me back up a few days. Ok, I stopped taking my Wellbutrin like, almost the same time Carl left. I *thought* I was "normal" again - HA!! WELL, me n my big head hit PMS this week, and TADA!! My old case of crazies popped up again, and I got all sorts of mouthy with Carl for stupid chit (like him not caring about my piercing infections but as soon as the cats ran out of food he was ON it...) and then we bickered about me letting the cats out, and I basically told him how stupid it was keeping them in, and never in 33 yrs did I have any issues with MY cats being out, yada yada... NEVER FAILS, this first daughter of Murphy, opens mouth inserts foot, hell BOTH feet up to the knee, and the next night the cat comes in WITH HIS TAIL GASHED OPEN!!!! So I freak, the emergency vet says the tail's gotta get amputated, and I COMPLETELY fall apart!!! Super hormone PMS chemically imbalanced girl send massive rambling emails saying so much gibberish and mean things, then dumping him bc I was CONVINCED he was gonna break up with ME for it.... Sigh, ever send an email in a moment of psychosis (or maybe drunk emailed/texted/called??) Yeah well I had like a DOZEN of them over the 2 days, lol.

Anyway, Carl finally emails me today, and says I was right. We moved in together too soon, moved too fast, and now he feels "trapped and resentful" and I need to move out and we gotta start all over at the beginning, dating, developing a friendship, and getting to know "everything" about each other before living together again. Sigh. So many sweet nothings, declarations of forever and growing old together, indescribable love, and so on and so forth.... WRECKED by me and my old issues & baggage I cant seem to unpack, being selfish & childish and plain ol downright mean sometimes. Yeah, can someone A. PLEASE kick me in my head when I do that and B. MAKE me keep taking my antidepressants?!?! ha

So who knows what the future holds. It's hard enough to start over having him in town full time, but the next 2 years he's gonna be traveling for work, then end of 09 heading to the middle east again with the military for a year. He said himself he doesnt have a lot of time to devote to "us". So, yeah. I'm not optimistic but eternally hopeful. I luckily saved all the texts, emails, and voicemails he's ever left me, lol. I cant believe someone could say such beautiful loving eternal sweet nothings, then change his mind, but hey, it happens every day in America and around the world, right? And it has happened to me MOOOOOORE times then I can count, but Carl, was different, was perfect for me, was a dream come true and better then my wildest dreams, and I treated him like crap BECAUSE I WAS SCARED!!!!!!!! Scared of being dumped I guess because he was too good to be true. I sabotaged it, like I do everything good in my life. I have so many underlying issues I cant begin to start here in this post.

Well, I just had to update my blog since I've been slacking. I post like crazy in my Turbulence Training forums, WOO i got some good ones in there. I just need to start turning them over to here too, heh heh. Ok, well I need to get motivated to do something, it's hard, I'm numb, I'm overemotional, and just bitterly overwhelmingly sad. Back to post more joy later!!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Oh YEAH Carl's TRUCK is home again now TOO! Too bad CARL wont be any time soon...

SO let me quote Juju from the forums here for a hot second, and say WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO, while soldier boy's return is not imminent I have a big white shiney beautiful Ford F150 sitting back in my driveway again!!! MmMmMmMmmm YEAH baby!!! At least the truck is returned.... Um, did I mention big trucks do funny things to my insides?? Yeah, I could caress that sweet chrome bumper and purr all day... giggle giggle... So needless to say, I had another rockin workout. I was kickin the bootot fasting today after my usual morning multi gran cheerios (I cannot explain the inexplicable draw to the cereal cupboard as soon as I roll groggily out of bed; its like those animals that run off a cliff to their demise.... I'm waitin for the Golden Grahams tomorrow, darn my mother bringing that stuff into my house!!!!) So yeah back to mommy dearest, here I am all SORTS of proud of myself cuz I was STARVING (forgot my water when I went to get the truck then ramble around the mall) and I was turning into the Taco Bell parking lot when I saw my tanning place there, so decided to hit the bed for 20 mins, and managed to talk myself out of that zesty crunchy cheesy goodness corrupting my mind & my diet. I made it home and had a plum & depleted the city water source, then ran kids here and there and everywhere, when sweet mother o' mine brings eldest son home after soccer with a ginormous bucket o' fried chicken.. Ok, Im not a fried chicken fan on my best crap eating day, but I seriously think my willpower was on E after 'just saying NO' to all the mall food then my ever loving tacos, and I swear I swan dived into that bucket and made sweet mouth love to a wing and back stroked, front stroked, and breast stroked (excuse the pun!!) to a big ol greasy fried breast piece - YES! I did inhale some the skin too!!!! I felt so dirty afterwards, ok well a lil slippery from chicken lickin' grease, hahahahaha, but HEY this is the first day I think ever my protein has outweighed my carb intake!!! LMAO!! But I still came in under my usual "fast" day calories LOL. Anyway, the guilt drove me to TT confession where I absolved myself with 40 mins of Turbo Jam and like an hour & 20 mins of 30DFL wkout D (woooo that kicks my butt - LITERALLY! Doing 1 leg ball curls followed by 1 leg extensions is like jello for my jiggle!!! I just have to lay there in between sets feeling my lower half twitching hehehe) I kept gettting distracted by various sons knocking on my door bothering me with teenage nonsense, but I made it thru finally. I will be glad when these 30 days are up cuz MAN Craig you aint kidding max fat loss!!! lol I want my short simpler workouts back that dont take forever!! But I need to kick as much fat off my frame before honey bunny comes back. Hmm, if ever! OH and pull/chin up update.... While I can still only do one at a time, NOW they are getting ever so slightly easier, and I can walk past on quite a few occassions and jump up and pump one off unlike the first day when I did one of each and my pecs screamed in protest so I had to walk around for 2 days all chest gimpy...However, I still struggle with reg pull ups but the neutral grip ones (palms facing each other) are easier. Chin ups are about the middle. Oh so slowly but SURELY!!! I have 2 mos-ish left in this contest, so my goal is to do 5 at once by then. I keep throwing in some hanging leg raises too, I just love those for some reason, hehe...Well my peeps, while dear Abby is lasering the ink off her body, I am adding it to mine and FINALLY get to have my leopard spots tattooed the rest of the way up my back. Gonna get my wkout in beforehand, cuz that's a toughie too, then I can take a day off thurs to let the skin settle down a bit before twisting and turning and stretching it. Since I'll be at the tat shop I'm gonna go now and change out my body jewelry too cuz I KNOOOOOOOOOOOW I dont have the dexterity and patience to get those stupid tiny balls back on the rings, so Jason can pop those in too and save me a 15 min screaming and cursing drive over to spout off about why it has to be so darn hard!! hehehehe I'm off to wash up and attempt to sleep, but me getting ink is like Xmas eve when you're too giddy to drift off!!! I told Carl when he gets back he has to pay for my last 2 touch ups and my angel I want on my other side as payment for all this crapola I've had to deal with while he's been gone LOL, yeah I doubt he'll fall for it tho hehe. Talk to y'all manana!!! Happy workouts to everyone!!

Catching up on workouts and bad luck....

Ok so for those of you not on Twitter, I got a call today from Carl who was kind enough to share with me he got word today that a new project is starting, and seeing as how it's cheaper to keep the team over there rather then pay to fly them home and fly new peeps out, they get the fabulous priviledge of staying til earliest december...and seeing as how I highly doubt they'll fly out a new team during the holidays, I'm gonna take a WILD guess and forecast he wont be home til early next year. So much for the ball. BUT I'm not bowing out of the contest, NO WAY!!! I might have to finally cave and go get my Wellbutrin refilled tho LOL. On a positive note, YES, there is a ton of junk food in my house currently. AND yes as you've all read in my blogs/posts when bad luck strikes I head straight for the kitchen...AND as my track record shows, as soon as I hung up the phone I beelined for the cupboards; opened the doors, stood there eyeballing the chips/cookies/crackers/etc etc..... and closed the doors. Instead I grabbed a few cashews and made a celery stick with my smart balance omega 3 peanut butter. A couple hours later after I bawled my eyes out and dropped off Faith at her dads, I came home and made a chicken breast patty w/ garlic & cheese, had 9 baby carrots w/ a teaspoon of sun dried tomato hummus, and Ok I caved & had 2 pieces of sprouted grain bread. And a half cup of sugar free kool-aid, lol. SO even tho it was a fasting day, HA, 2 in a row I bombed, at LEAST today I FINALLY for the first time DIDNT stress eat!!!!!!!!!! And y'all knowing me, that is a HUGE victory.. heh! So I'm gonna go eat a couple choc covered coffee beans and pound a bottle of water n go sniffle my way thru a workout!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Workout in the books, havin the TIME of my night posting on the forums, I LOVE these people on Turbulence Training!!
I'm not a sweets fan (except when evil Mother devil brings her diabolical home-made chocolate chip cookies here....) I am a salty/crunchy fiend (oooo even better to retain the water with my dear!!) So my downfalls are chips, crackers, bacon, um TACOS lol, toast (oh yeah, I like carbs too, being Polish and all I do believe I grew up on noodles and potatoes and chicken alone...) so on and so forth. Review my posts for said Cheeto addiction... those mesquite Krunchers & Bold Chex Mix do a number on my diet too, but luckily I am starting to convince myself they are just SOOOOOOO greasy and disgusting (or maybe eating the proper foods so much they actually ARE starting to gross me out...) anyhoo, if soldier boy doesnt invest in a Jessica-made home gym like NOW, he's gonna have one crabby rabbit waiting for him when (IF!!) he ever gets home......Wooooooo I cant get off the forums to go to bed!!! I'm starting to get addicted to TT instead of salt now! SO much better for my booty tho, hmm???
Yeah I posted my tat pic on Myspace and now all my friends are like oooooooo ooooooooo you gotta come out this weekend, we'll pay for your drinks, yada yada. They SAY that bc I havent DRANK in months, they know I'll be CHEAP!!! But the dancing is DEF on my mind. Cuz hey now I'll look good in all my club clothes again....